North Shore of Lake Superior. October 2013. I had my first infusion of the AC (new chemo Adriamycin and Cytoxan) last Thursday. The infusion went smoothly. Tim accompanied me. I made the mistake of thinking we could go out to lunch at the Birchwood post chemo as usual. By the time I returned home at 3 pm, I was feeling really crappy. I took a Compazine and went to bed. I try to stay up on my anti-nausea meds. Still, nothing really worked very well. Acupuncture on Friday was the best remedy. I fell asleep with the hair-width needles in place and slept like a baby for what felt like an hour. On Friday I had my shot of Neulasta (white blood cell booster). That went well, and luckily I haven't had much bone pain that is supposed follow--just a little achy for a couple days. I've lost 6 lbs. since Thursday and yesterday is the first time I could eat much of anything. A massage this morning made me forget about the nausea for minutes at a time.
This feels really different. I feel very sick on a base level. I have been trying to describe it to people as constant morning sickness, but weak and shaky (and no fun baby bonus at the end). But that's not really it. My heart beats fast. I'm tired. Nothing tastes right. I feel somehow estranged or separate from my body. Split. I am my body's guardian and somehow I have betrayed it. I have let this poison in, and now my body is in panic mode, trying to purge. This toxic feeling is claustrophobic. The natural impulse would be for my body to vomit to clear the toxin, but I don't and nothing really helps. I haven't yet made peace with my body. I might need to do some meditation or some explaining to my cells and bone marrow that this is really necessary for longevity, and that I'm sorry.
I wish I felt as good as I did in that photo from the North Shore (Photo credit to Esther Frantzich.) This photo, a moment frozen in time, is a focal point in meditation that helps get me through. Esther and I shared a magical weekend with some other dear mother/daughter pairs at a writing/yoga retreat. I felt grounded and strong. More about that weekend in a future post.
There is another image that helps me (I used this last night as I was falling asleep)...This passage is like a deep, dark, dank cave into which I must descend. Alone. Down, down an unfamiliar stone stairway and then eventually back up and out. But the way can be eased by others and Spirit. The prayers, thoughts, love and wishes of others are like a warm dry wind "Ruach" (breath of God) and candlelight which accompany me. I imagine the cave transforming, beautifully lit by beeswax candles and it's not so lonely, cold or damp. The warm wind Ruach helps carry me along the long stone stairway. I will hold that in my mind and heart as I stumble forward one step at a time. It might be a long 7 weeks until this phase is over...
Gin-gins help some. They are a little hard candy made with real ginger by Ginger People. Reed's Ginger brew (real ginger ale) helps too. Here is my recipe for a great smoothie. I sip on this to curb the nausea. The kids love it. (I made this for some friends who came to help with dishes and folding on Monday and they raved about it....)
This feels really different. I feel very sick on a base level. I have been trying to describe it to people as constant morning sickness, but weak and shaky (and no fun baby bonus at the end). But that's not really it. My heart beats fast. I'm tired. Nothing tastes right. I feel somehow estranged or separate from my body. Split. I am my body's guardian and somehow I have betrayed it. I have let this poison in, and now my body is in panic mode, trying to purge. This toxic feeling is claustrophobic. The natural impulse would be for my body to vomit to clear the toxin, but I don't and nothing really helps. I haven't yet made peace with my body. I might need to do some meditation or some explaining to my cells and bone marrow that this is really necessary for longevity, and that I'm sorry.
I wish I felt as good as I did in that photo from the North Shore (Photo credit to Esther Frantzich.) This photo, a moment frozen in time, is a focal point in meditation that helps get me through. Esther and I shared a magical weekend with some other dear mother/daughter pairs at a writing/yoga retreat. I felt grounded and strong. More about that weekend in a future post.
There is another image that helps me (I used this last night as I was falling asleep)...This passage is like a deep, dark, dank cave into which I must descend. Alone. Down, down an unfamiliar stone stairway and then eventually back up and out. But the way can be eased by others and Spirit. The prayers, thoughts, love and wishes of others are like a warm dry wind "Ruach" (breath of God) and candlelight which accompany me. I imagine the cave transforming, beautifully lit by beeswax candles and it's not so lonely, cold or damp. The warm wind Ruach helps carry me along the long stone stairway. I will hold that in my mind and heart as I stumble forward one step at a time. It might be a long 7 weeks until this phase is over...
Gin-gins help some. They are a little hard candy made with real ginger by Ginger People. Reed's Ginger brew (real ginger ale) helps too. Here is my recipe for a great smoothie. I sip on this to curb the nausea. The kids love it. (I made this for some friends who came to help with dishes and folding on Monday and they raved about it....)
Ginger Lime Mango Tango
Juice of 2-3 fresh limes
1 tablespoon of fresh shredded ginger root or crystallized ginger
1 fresh Honeycrisp apple cored
2 frozen bananas peeled
2 cups (10-12 oz) of frozen sliced peaches
1 cup (5-6 oz) of frozen mango chunks
1/2 cup of orange juice
1/2 cup of apple juice
a little sugar to taste (if you must)
Blend in a blender or pulverize in a Vitamix or similar.
Juice of 2-3 fresh limes
1 tablespoon of fresh shredded ginger root or crystallized ginger
1 fresh Honeycrisp apple cored
2 frozen bananas peeled
2 cups (10-12 oz) of frozen sliced peaches
1 cup (5-6 oz) of frozen mango chunks
1/2 cup of orange juice
1/2 cup of apple juice
a little sugar to taste (if you must)
Blend in a blender or pulverize in a Vitamix or similar.
Svea with Ginko leaves. (Photo credit Jessica Crawford)
RSS Feed