This feels really different. I feel very sick on a base level. I have been trying to describe it to people as constant morning sickness, but weak and shaky (and no fun baby bonus at the end). But that's not really it. My heart beats fast. I'm tired. Nothing tastes right. I feel somehow estranged or separate from my body. Split. I am my body's guardian and somehow I have betrayed it. I have let this poison in, and now my body is in panic mode, trying to purge. This toxic feeling is claustrophobic. The natural impulse would be for my body to vomit to clear the toxin, but I don't and nothing really helps. I haven't yet made peace with my body. I might need to do some meditation or some explaining to my cells and bone marrow that this is really necessary for longevity, and that I'm sorry.
I wish I felt as good as I did in that photo from the North Shore (Photo credit to Esther Frantzich.) This photo, a moment frozen in time, is a focal point in meditation that helps get me through. Esther and I shared a magical weekend with some other dear mother/daughter pairs at a writing/yoga retreat. I felt grounded and strong. More about that weekend in a future post.
There is another image that helps me (I used this last night as I was falling asleep)...This passage is like a deep, dark, dank cave into which I must descend. Alone. Down, down an unfamiliar stone stairway and then eventually back up and out. But the way can be eased by others and Spirit. The prayers, thoughts, love and wishes of others are like a warm dry wind "Ruach" (breath of God) and candlelight which accompany me. I imagine the cave transforming, beautifully lit by beeswax candles and it's not so lonely, cold or damp. The warm wind Ruach helps carry me along the long stone stairway. I will hold that in my mind and heart as I stumble forward one step at a time. It might be a long 7 weeks until this phase is over...
Gin-gins help some. They are a little hard candy made with real ginger by Ginger People. Reed's Ginger brew (real ginger ale) helps too. Here is my recipe for a great smoothie. I sip on this to curb the nausea. The kids love it. (I made this for some friends who came to help with dishes and folding on Monday and they raved about it....)
Juice of 2-3 fresh limes
1 tablespoon of fresh shredded ginger root or crystallized ginger
1 fresh Honeycrisp apple cored
2 frozen bananas peeled
2 cups (10-12 oz) of frozen sliced peaches
1 cup (5-6 oz) of frozen mango chunks
1/2 cup of orange juice
1/2 cup of apple juice
a little sugar to taste (if you must)
Blend in a blender or pulverize in a Vitamix or similar.